Leah's diary

Paris tomorrow :)

leahsdiary — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:53:59 +0000

Now that Christmas is over I feel like I did well. I ate everyday and kept everything exept from yesterday.

Anyway, I going to Paris tomorrow and it feels great! I just can’t wait even though Iäm a bit nervous about the flight.

I’ll be home at Monday and Iäll give you an update after that

Christmas fever

leahsdiary — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 09:51:13 +0000

The last few weeks I’ve actually done really well. I’ve eaten every day and I’ve only compensated once in two weeks!

I think I feel better about it since I’ve stated exercising again because there really is a severe differece.

I’m a bit axious about christmas. I’m celebrating with my boyfriend’s familly so I will have to keep it together. But it feels better than I thought it would anyway. I’ve been nervous about feeling bad around christmas and new year’s for mounths and now that it is here I feel better than I’ve done for mounths!

Now I’m going to the gym,

Bye!

Doing good :)

leahsdiary — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:04:11 +0000

It’s now been about a week since I compensated. I’m proud of my self but I can feel how my belly grows bigger every day. My body is starting to feel like a flobby, distasteful mass that just grows bigger by the hour. It feels like I’ve completely lost control, both over my eating and over my weight. Since I’m never at home I don’t have asset to a scale and my boyfriends room mate keeps baking cakes. My sugar intake is bigger than ever and I keep promising myself things that I don’t stick to.

Tomorrow I’m going to the gym. And after new years I’m going on a diet (LCHF I think or my version: Low Carb NO Fat)

If I were to choose…

leahsdiary — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:20:29 +0000

I can see hopefulness when I look at pictures from when we first met. We were in love and blind to see what we were about to face. We couldn’t have known of all the differculties that was to come.

If you would have known by then, would you have stared this anyway? I don’t blame you if you wouldn’t have…

I feel like I’ve tricked you in to all this. It seemes unfair that you will have to go through all this when I’m the one with the problems.

If I were to choose, you would be with someone better. You would be with someone who loves herself. Someone confident, happy and can give you everything you deserv.

If I were to choose you wouldn’t love me, you would love someone worthy of your love.

But I can’t choose for you. If you really do love me, there’s nothing I can do about it I suppose. So, I’m just going to have to try to be all those things. I’m just going to have to try to be as good a girlfriend as possible, because you deserv the best.

Another quite good week with an alright ending

leahsdiary — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:13:13 +0000

I’ve actually been to school everyday this week. I’ve done all the assignments requested of me and I’ve spent time with my friends which means that I’ve reached all the goals that I had for this week. On top of that, I’ve actually done alright with the food aswell. I’ve eaten atleast one full meal/day and lots of fruit. It has felt quite alright and the anxiety only got bad one day.

Today I invited a few friend over and we ate pizza and drank coctails. It was nice even though I felt quite bad after a while. I went to the bathroom even before it felt unbearable since I knew I would ruin the evening otherwise. I can’t say it felt good, but it felt better than many other times and it does feel like I’m on my way to finding a way to handle my problems.

Fighting to get my life back

leahsdiary — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 10:47:08 +0000

I’m back in school full time now. It feels wierd but I really want to do this. I want to be able to liv my life the way I used to but it’s much more difficult now that the rules has changed.

The last week I’ve eaten more than I usually do and I’ve only gone to the bathroom a few times. The anxiety is worst in the mornings and in the late evenings but at dinnertime I’m usually so hungry that I manage to eat a rather normal meal. I’ve been trying to bring fruit to school so that I eat someting during the day aswell.

I’ve been starting to get stomach aches and it makes it even more difficult to eat. They are usually the worse right after I’ve eaten and aometimes they are so bad that i can’t move properly.

I got a call from the clinic for eating disorders a couple of days ago and I’m going to meet with them within a few weeks. My contact at the open clinic is going to come aswell, which is good since I feel like I can trust her by now and she seemes eager that I’ll get help with my eating disorders aswell.

Generally I’ve felt quite a bit better the last two weeks. I’ve started on some school work and I think I will manage to keep up with the others if I just try a little bit harder.

I think I’m going to go to the gym today. It was a long time since I extercised the last time and if I’m going to start eating properly again I’m going to have to find an other way to stay thin…

Is this my turning point?

leahsdiary — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:40:05 +0000

I don’t know when it all began. I’m not sure where it all went so wrong. I don’t know why I became the person I am today. All I know is that I want out, now!

I want everything to get better, I want me to get better. Still, I’m scared.

I’m scared that they won’t listen to me. Scared that they will try to change me, that I will become another person. Scared of gaining weight, scared of losing to much weight. Scared of growing up, scared of beeing held back. Scared of failing school, scared of losing my friends. But most of all scared of hurting my love.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know which parts of me that is my will and my personality and what is my disorders. My will of beeing perfect is so strong that it is a part of everything I do and everything I think. I can’t even imagine me without my eating disorder, since I’ll just be an empty shell without it.

Is this my turning point? Is this where I turn around to look at all thoose years, deciding to leave it all behind? Deciding to start over? I don’t think so, I’m not strong enough.

I’m still here…

leahsdiary — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:16:56 +0000

I know you think you can get rid of me, but you’re too weak. I know you think you can ignore me, but you can’t. I know you want me to leave, but I never will.

You think you would be good without me, but you know what? You’re nothing without me, just an empty shell. I am you! Everything you ever thought were your decicions, your choices were infact mine.

Your pathetic attempts to please me were all a big waste. Your not good enough to ever please anyone and I really think you should know that you are never going to be loved for who you are unless you try even harder. You need to stop tring to fight me and start to follow my lead. You need to listen to what I have to say.

Otherwise you are doomed to be unhappy and alone.

Going to meet mum

leahsdiary — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:27:55 +0000

The last week I’ve actually spoken to my mum. Well, not spoken but we have met and we have talked about everything exept from my problems and the fact that we’ve been fighting for almost half a year now. I’ve told both her and my dad that I’d rather live at her place but don’t know if I really can.

Today has actually been allright. I ate for the first time today about an hour ago and I don’t feel very anixious or bothered at all. It actually feels quite OK.

Total intake of calories: about 400 I think.

I’m about to go tho my mum’s with my boyfriend. See Yah’!

5 hours of writing…

leahsdiary — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:57:36 +0000

Today I had a test, for five hours! I really did think it was going to kill me. Not only was it tough writing it and studying for it, it also meant that I had to eat to get trough it.

The last days I’ve eaten so little that I’ve felt faint even from just standing up. I’ve had a hard time focusing on anything at all and schoolwork has been completely out of the question. This test was a rather important one and a good grade on this particular test will mean a good grade in this course and not having to do all the work that is left in it. It was difficult to realize that I would have to eat rather propperly just to get something to hand in but I did!

I started the morning today by making two big sandwishes which I brought to school. I ate the first one in the classroom right before the test started and the second one during my lunch break, alone ofcourse. When I was done with my test I bought a small bag of candy to celebrate. Now, don’t misunderstand this. I did not feel very good about the whole eating. I was really close to panicing during the test and I actually felt the tears build-up behind my eyes. I tried to figure out a way to sneak away to the bathroom but realized that it would make me even less focused on my assignement.

When it comes to the bag of candy I’m actually not quite sure what got in to me. I suddenly felt an urge to have candy and I havn’t really felt that for weeks now. When I was done with it I felt awful! It’s been long since I felt that hopeless and since I weren’t in school or at home, i couldn’t find a way to get rid of it either. After a little while I did feel better though and I stayed intown to wait for my boyfriend.

When we got home we made dinner and I barely had time to finish eating before I really had to go “uneat” it. After that I went to bed for a few hours, got up again and ate a sandwish and some yougurt and now I’m about to go to bed again.

Total intake of calories: about 1500. It feels: Awful, I goning to have to compensate tomorrow and perhaps the day after that as well by eating less than 500.